I’ve been waiting for the news to really hit home for two days now. The vet called to tell me my dog Kelly has malingnant cancer and that it’s a matter of time. I feel like a shallow jerk for saying no to his suggestion of chemotherapy for her in a town about a half hour’s drive away. She’s just had surgery to remove a large lump in her mammary gland and is healing well it seems. She has three different infections going on right now to fight and the cancer isn’t helping.
She’s been a saviour to me. I feel like hell for not being able to return the favour. The vet says the lumps will reoccur within 2-3 months somewhere else, most likely the chest and lymph nodes. The hardest part to get my head around is that it’s almost impossible to tell when she’s sick and suffering. I have to watch for signs of deterioration to know when to let her go peacefully, put her out of her misery. She’s not a whiner, though. She had such a terrible uterine infection that she was dripping blood everywhere and never flinched or gave a sign that anything was wrong. She’s just the sweetest natured dog in the world. I am heavy with the responsibility of divining her time to leave this life. How will I know? I am afraid that I will keep her here too long, and afraid too that I will let her go too soon. What an awesome responsibility to be in charge of deciding the life and death of another living soul, such a sweet soul as Kelly’s. I fear greatly that she will suffer quietly for too long before I see what is happening to her.
Love will have to be my guide.